16 Mayıs 2012 Çarşamba

The Wind of My Soul

Life is awfully real. Especially when it ends for someone you used to know. In such times, it feels awfully, ruthlessly and unfairly real. To the extent of making it hard to philosophize about. Everything we go through -sad or nice- and every piece of us -small or big- that we lose when someone we know is gone and gone for good, are real as hell. 
I didn't even know her well but I knew her enough to hate the fact that she'll no longer exist. And what a beautiful thing to remember someone smiling. I wish the people I love will remember me smiling when I cease to exist. I hope they remember my laughter and my funny mimics which I can't help.
But this post is not about me. It's about life. And death. And how I can still cry over a silly episode of a silly tv show. And then cry over everything else. As I always do. Once I start crying, I end up crying for everything so far. 
Instead of working my brains out, I take my time to weep and write in the meantime. I hug the words tenderly 'cos I would believe no one who'd say it's ok now. It's not ok and I'm scared. It's cruel losing people you used to know and people you used to love. That's when I get scared to hell and want a real hug. Someone to say "yes we're all gonna die but it's ok because look at us". I know it sounds even sillier than a silly episode of a silly tv show. Keeping quiet together would be just as good. Fuck, it would be the best thing to go with a real tight hug. As real as life. As real as death. And as real as everything we ever go through. 
I hate to feel this way. Sounding needy and vulnerable like a silly little girl. But then again, it's fucking real sometimes...

2 yorum:

  1. i tried to find a smiley to represent a hug. i found xoxo which means hugs and kisses but it's not appropriate right now. sorry.

    well, for consolation i can tell about the indian culture where they strive for, contrary to us, not leaving any traces in the world. for they think that this world only means suffering even for our traces here. immortality (amrtam) for them means not to have to be born again.

    i know i'm philosophizing but it's the only thing i can do :-(